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Finally connected again to the spankee in me
By Lady | November 7, 2008
In the last weeks I found myself struggling with myself, I wanted to be able to surrender to a spanking, to enjoy the spanking but every time Magic gave me a spanking it was as if a door was shot inside me. My senses shut down; I was no longer able to turn pain into pleasure. It just was pain, irritating me and making me sad. We talked about it, I did not want to. Why should I? It is not the first time this happened, in all those years I have experienced spanking (and bdsm) there have been more moment where my body did not respond to the same things in ways it did before. These moments had always passed and the joy in spanking and bdsm had always returned. So why should I pay a lot of attention to it this time…I did not want to. Magic however wanted to help me, talk about is, trying to find out what had gone wrong. But in my opinion there had not been going anything wrong, this was not a response to a ’spanking that did not go well’, there were no trauma’s or old pain triggered and this would, in time, go away.I was mad on Magic for trying to talk with me, the more he tried the bigger the struggle became. I struggled with the longing I felt in my body and mind, longing for a spanking, longing for the sweet pain, longing for the peace in me when I submit and surrender to a spanking. I was mad at him for trying to talk to me, for not allowing me to walk away for these conversations but this being mad was not the one thing that bothered me the most. That was another feeling I had towards Magic, I was mad about him for not being able to brake through these walls inside me.
Of course I know that is not realistic thinking, in my submissive being I am not always realistic, that part just wants to be able to give away control and now I felt forced to take back control because my body refused to cooperate, because my body did not respond to the spankings Magic gave me. We had to stop them because it was not fun for me anymore, and that made me even sadder and madder as well. Still we kept on (trying to) talking about it, I kept on being mad even though I knew this was not fair towards Magic. I kept my emotions to myself, did not speak to Magic about me being mad. I still do not know why I felt this way, and also why it was such a strong emotion. We have some ‘rules’ (despite the fact we do not use rules in our spanking moments) but one of the things we both agree on is that is has to be consensual, neither one of us is allowed to go beyond the limits of their own feelings, mental and physical being. I found it confusing that sometimes I expected Magic to solve my problem, sometimes even longed for him to give me that spanking, no discussions, no talking. He did sometimes but this did not result in a nice spanking, so the only thing left was for the both us to be patience. Trying not to push the other one away in our own sadness. We missed the spanking moments together, missed them a lot !!! That is also the reason why I did not update this blog for some time, it was too much confusing me.
Some days ago I was browsing on YouTube, finding nice movies with spanking scenes and decided to share them on another new blog. These spanking scenes are mostly different from the more common spanking movies, a lot of them are actors playing spanking scenes and yet these spanking scenes get to me. Yesterday I showed Magic some, I laughed for recognising the teasing part in the Lady figures (now I know why I was attracted to this name ;-). The tension between Magic and me get stronger, we went upstairs where I really teased him a lot and men did if feel good! Finally I had found back the connection to the spankee in me. As always I do not remember a lot about the spanking, I remember we used the cane, a riding crop, Magic used his hands a lot and I was overwhelmed by the rediscovered feelings of surrendering to the spanking. Giving myself completely, floating away and yet staying connected to Magic. Thanks Magic for being so patience with me and for the amazing spanking moment last night.
Topics: Spanking Thoughts |
November 9th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Dear Lady
Of course I liked this posting, the last sentence where you write about an amazing spanking we shared. I can tell you, there was a very big grin on my face when you recalled the spanking, the joy of it and the depth of the sharing it gave to you. I remember your teasing also
Also? I think you are very honest, in the pain it brought to you that I was trying to help you, trying to talk and take care, caress you. A little grin was also when I read that you where not that realistic in being submissive. I know that and sometimes teases you with it.
What made it happen that you got in touch with you’re inner being and needs? Maybe it where the movies you saw on you tube. Maybe it was time or had it just to be….
I felt a little blush when you thanked me… I am just glad that you are connected again…
Love and Kiss,
Your Magic